


Flowers Grow Out Of My Grave

by misskatieleigh, rogueshadows



Series: Flowers Grow Out of My Grave [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Ghost Bodhi, Haunting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 18:14:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12587720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misskatieleigh/pseuds/misskatieleigh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueshadows/pseuds/rogueshadows
Summary: Bodhi huffs a laugh at first, of course this house isn’t haunted. He’d lived there for years and never been bothered by anything until...he shuts his eyes and tries to focus past the words sliding sharply into sense.





	Flowers Grow Out Of My Grave

**Author's Note:**

> The most thanks to misskatieleigh who wound up at least half responsible for this through beta'ing and writing parts that eluded me. She's the best and this never would have been finished without her! Additional thanks to fallsouthwinter for cheerleading.
> 
> Title credit to Dead Man's Bones.

Bodhi walks into his apartment with no memory of the drive home. Things looks the same,but everything feels off; the texture of the floor beneath his feet, the subtle scent of ozone though it hadn’t rained in weeks thanks to the drought. He calls Jyn’s name, but there’s no answer. She must still be out. The cat doesn’t come to the door either which is more strange. The pieces make no sense and yet in dreamlike logic nothing startles him too much until he goes to hang his jacket by the door. The hook that it usually occupies is taken up by a coat he doesn’t recognize. Bodhi calls out Jyn’s name again in confusion, but still there’s no answer. He reaches out a hand and can’t quite get hold of the fabric, knowing it’s within his grasp and yet it remains unmoving. He sees the flicker then, the way his hands go translucent and slip through. He pulls away as if burned though he feels nothing. Staring down at his hands in confusion and mounting panic, the pain in his chest never comes. Everything fades.

\---

Bodhi walks into his bedroom with no memory of heading there. His jacket is gone and the furniture is all wrong, different and new. The mattress is uncovered and there are boxes around the room. He walks around and wonders if he is hallucinating, dredging the edges of his memory for some clue and feeling more scared when none come. He hears footsteps in the hall and stills, a chill rolling through him. The figure never appears, but things start to blur. He braces for the fade out.

\---

Bodhi walks across the attic with no memory of climbing the precarious stairs. His asthma usually acts up in the stagnant musty air of the space and yet he feels surprisingly fine. Nothing seems out of place. It’s fairly empty, aside from a few rubbermaid containers shoved into the corner that he hasn’t gone through in years. He paces a moment trying to remember what he came up for. It must be important if he hadn’t just waited for Jyn. He thinks hard, but when nothing comes back, he sighs. He goes back downstairs and stills at the sight of a stranger in the kitchen. He’s tall and has dark hair and Bodhi is certain he’s never seen him before. It’s not like Jyn to bring random guys home, even less like her not to warn Bodhi.

“Hello?” he asks, hoping there’s a simple explanation. The man doesn’t react, humming along with the radio and flipping the omelette he’d been cooking onto a plate. Bodhi’s brow furrows at the lack of answer.

“I said hello, who are you?” Bodhi asks, confused and growing anxious. The man doesn’t even look up. He turns off the burner and goes into the living room like nothing had been said. Bodhi storms after the man.

“Listen, you can’t just come in uninvited and pretend that I’m not here! Where’s Jyn?” he shouts. He’s about to threaten to call the cops, but halts mid sentence as he stares from the doorway, feeling suddenly lost. The living room is unrecognizable. He catalogues the changes in a daze. The walls are painted newly white with clean modern shelves hanging where his bookcase had once been. Missing are all his personal effects; his papers, books, photos. The television blinks on, mounted to the wall, drawing the man’s attention as he eats.

Memories pulse oddly through Bodhi’s mind, fiddling with the temperamental rabbit ears on his own out of date set, hauling in the victorian burgundy couch Jyn found at an estate sale, pushing her off the couch onto the floor when she tried to steal his blanket. He thinks it’s far too strange that he can remember those details and yet he has no idea when he got home last night, or how everything had changed.

The man sits like nothing in the world is happening. Bodhi wants to scream, to break something to get his attention, but he feels frozen in place, heaving breaths and trembling. He wonders if the man did something to him to make him feel so out of focus and prays just not to disappear, not understanding when that became a pressing fear. The rolling emotions send Bodhi over the edge of some unknown precipice. A wave of energy flows through him along a jolt of cold. The windows rattle loudly and the man finally looks up at that, his brow furrowing in concern. He puts down his plate and tentatively goes over to investigate. Bodhi feels tired and can’t understand the correlation. He tries speaking again.

“Tell me why you’re here,” he says frantic, pleading, “tell me what’s going on!”

He’s nearly screaming and the energy echoes back at the lack of response and the window shatters as Bodhi fades. The last thing he hears is the sharp intake of breath the man makes.

\---

“Jyn, I’m settled in fine...The window guy is coming in the morning, it’s nothing....I know...I don’t blame you...It’s not, I’m sure.” Bodhi listens for as long as he can, but the man’s gentle voice sounds far away. Until Bodhi heard Jyn’s name he’d been furious and now he felt frozen in place. He stands there wishing he could hear her end of the conversation, so he could know if she’s real, if she’s okay. He can’t, for all he tries. Bodhi leans against the wall and waits, watching the man hang up with a sigh. The man looks exhausted, running his unbandaged hand through long strands of hair. The bandage is new and Bodhi wonders how much time he lost, how bad the wound was. Had Bodhi caused it? He can’t remember, but then...the man brushes by him like nothing and he loses his track of thought. Bodhi follows him up the staircase to his bedroom.

It’s night now or at least he thinks it is. He can’t trust anything, not even the sight of stars through the window by his bed. Not his bed, the bed the man slept in. The one he brought into Bodhi’s house when he changed it all. Bodhi still can’t understand why, or perhaps he just cannot face it yet, like a blank spot on his periphery. He observes a world he can’t affect hoping for a hint. Once in the bedroom the man strips off his shirt and goes to unzip his jeans, Bodhi feels a flare of embarrassment and attraction. The lamp on the bedside flickers suddenly, making the man pause with a wary glance as Bodhi retreats to the hallway. He walks along the wall, running his hand over the wall and trying to rationalize the strange sensation it sends through his body. He peeks back into the room after a while and the man is sitting up in bed, typing something into his laptop. Bodhi takes a seat beside him, watching the man for any sign of notice.

The man logs in and the computer pings a notification from his email. He opens it and Bodhi leans over straining to read the name typed after the salutation. _Cassian Andor._ The name feels familiar and yet he can’t place it. It’s a feeling he could ascribe to most sensations now and it’s getting old. Cassian clicks through his emails quietly and then opens up a search engine. He takes a steadying breath before he types.

_‘Is there a ghost in my house?’_

Bodhi huffs a laugh at first, of course this house isn’t haunted. He’d lived there for years and never been bothered by anything until...he shuts his eyes and tries to focus past the words sliding sharply into sense. Bodhi is, he isn’t, he’s there. Wracking his memory, unable to make sense of the shreds, he desperately wants Cassian to be wrong. He watches Cassian read a few articles, but they’re all absurd. This whole thing is absurd.

He can’t look any longer so he goes, fading out on purpose.

\---

_There are red and blue flashing lights reflecting off the curve of the tunnel’s ceiling. Bodhi is motionless and scared. He feels the drain of energy and a cold numbness spreading through his limbs as he tries to speak, ask what’s going on. He’s lifted onto a stretcher, but can’t make out the faces of the EMTs, all blurring together into one. He shuts his eyes and feels the ache of his breath leaving his body. The lights still buzz beneath his eyelids. Blue, red, blue and he’s scared, he remembers being scared. Remembers telling Jyn he’d be home in a few and hopes she isn’t worried. He wonders if she’d started the movie without him after all. He’s floating, and floating, and gone._

\---

Bodhi remembers disappearing this time, glad when he at least comes to in the same place. It’s morning and Cassian is still asleep. Bodhi doesn’t try to wake him, just watches the rise and fall of his chest. Bodhi wonders how he could have seen someone with such a kind face as an intruder. Bodhi stills his own breathing and feels strange when it changes nothing. ‘ _A ghost,’_ he thinks, _‘is that what I am?’_ His body...or form, he supposes, feels lighter now that he tries to accept what he’s become. He pictures himself driving home and feels the slam of brakes in his bones. Bodhi shivers and the man beside him shifts in his sleep. Bodhi goes, not wanting to disturb him. He goes to the attic again and his pacing feels like floating. He wants to scream or sob, but nothing comes. He curls up in the corner and shudders as the floorboards creak.

Bodhi doesn’t fade out and it’s almost worse than losing time, just sitting in the dark and trying to sooth himself. He thinks back on kinder memories with Jyn, of moving into this house together, laughing over stupid jokes. It only puts a spike in his heart at what she must feel now that he’s...he’s. He can’t.

\---

Bodhi comes back downstairs and Cassian is sitting at the kitchen table, eating dinner that makes the whole house smell good. He’s not alone. There’s a dark grey greyhound sitting beside the table waiting for any scraps to fall from Cassian’s plate. When the dog shifts as Bodhi enters and stares right at him, it’s unnerving. The dog is over in an instant,barking and backing Bodhi into the corner. Cassian looks up, brow furrowed in annoyance.

“Kay, what is it? C’mon,” he says, but the dog doesn’t budge, barking wildly as if warning Bodhi off. Cassian comes over and pets the animal, talking to him softly until the dog calms. Cassian looks up, just a moment, unknowingly staring straight through Bodhi. Bodhi feels caught in the gaze of worried brown eyes, wishing suddenly that Cassian could see him. Cassian shakes his head.

“I think we’re both going crazy, boy,” Cassian murmurs, going back to the table to finish eating. His voice is warm and just the sound makes Bodhi feel less alone, wishing he’d say anything again to fill the blank silence he’s been trapped in. Kay still shoots Bodhi wary glances and whines when Bodhi moves to go back closer to Cassian. Bodhi gives up and stays put. He wanders the rest of the day feeling listless, observing Cassian from a careful distance until he goes to sleep that night. Through the window in the attic Bodhi watches the moon rise hoping maybe in the morning things will change.

\---

Bodhi says it outloud to himself just once. “I’m dead,” he breathes to the empty house after Cassian has gone and taken Kay with him. He tries and fails not to picture his funeral. With no parents left to mourn him it must have been left to Jyn to sort out. He half wonders if she even bothered to put their friends through it or if she just had him cremated quietly. He wouldn’t blame her. Especially since he can’t tell the difference now. A quieter send off might have been easier for her and that’s all he can hope. It’s weird to think of his body somewhere, burned or otherwise buried when he still feels present. Bodhi hears Cassian come back, talking to someone unknown, and can’t face going down to see. So he waits until night falls to visit again. He watches Cassian sleep and feels some of the bitterness he held fading at the soft look on the man’s face as he dreams. He seemed kind, at least, in their brief interactions and Bodhi supposes all he can do is give the man a chance.

\---

Bodhi falls into a pattern easier than he’d imagined, watching Cassian go through his day, tailoring his time away from the attic to when the man is home. The more time he spends with Cassian the more stressed he feels when the man isn’t around, hoping that time won’t slip away again. Bodhi tries to leave the house himself once. He doesn’t get far, energy fading with each step down the porch until he retreats back inside feeling dizzy. Some days he wants to try it again, but something holds him back.

Kay can still see Bodhi clear as day, barking constantly at his presence. Bodhi can tell it drives Cassian crazy as he searches time and again for the source of the animal’s distress. When it’s just Kay at home and restless Bodhi makes the decision to try and help. He just needs to prove he’s not a threat, approaching the dog and kneeling on the tile before him. Kay looks just as wary, growling at first. Bodhi doesn’t move.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Bodhi says. The dog’s ears perk until he hesitantly approaches, sniffing the air and looking discomfited that Bodhi has no scent. Still, he doesn’t shy away.

“I know you’re just trying to protect him,” Bodhi continues, reaching out a hand to touch the animal’s fur, surprised when he can actually feel it. Bodhi misses his cat, Artoo, and wonders if she would have been able to see Bodhi too if she were around. Kay surprisingly doesn’t bolt at the touch and Bodhi takes comfort in petting him, thinking maybe he understands.

\---

Sometimes when they’re together, Cassian will look up for no reason and Bodhi will swear he _knows._ He had searched online that night, after all, he must have some belief. Cassian never says anything though, has no reason to in the empty house, apparently doubting Kay would understand metaphysical discussion.

Cassian works and lives his quiet life and Bodhi comes to appreciate his company even if it is inattentive. Bodhi catalogues Cassian’s quirks, and over time stops trying to hold back the fondness growing at some of them. The joking way he talks to Kay before walks, like they are going on a mission. How he sings in Spanish as he cooks. The fact that he’s going back for his masters in library science. How, as a result, he falls asleep with a book in hand more often than not.

That’s how Bodhi realizes he can move things, picking the book off Cassian’s chest without thinking. He drops it and wakes Cassian with some regret, but still, it’s something. Over the next few days he tries around the house, nothing big, just shifting minor things. He remembers the way the lights had flickered in Cassian’s bedroom and tries his hand at that next, wincing when he blows a bulb out entirely and Cassian jumps. He doesn’t play with that again, worried Cassian might end up wasting money on an electrician if he did.

Cassian seems equally on edge when Bodhi forgets to place the dog bowl back, having slid it to the center of the kitchen floor with far too much effort. Bodhi almost wants to laugh at the way Cassian looks around the room, like something will reach out and grab him. Well, that’s a thought. He reaches out, tapping lightly at Cassian’s shoulder, trying to focus the same energy it had taken to move things. Touching him feels different entirely, a buzz of livewire against his fingertips he can’t help but feel drawn to. Cassian shivers, but doesn’t turn to look and Bodhi pushes back the feeling of disappointment.

\---

Bodhi sits and watches the movie Cassian put on, commenting into the air just to keep from going insane.“Don’t go in there, oh my god,” he says to the girl in the slasher playing out on the screen. He’d never been a fan, still isn’t, but Cassian’s been on a recent kick. Halloween is drawing close as much as he can tell from the candy commercials that come on during breaks. He tries not to think of how the last time he remembers leaving the house is April. The girl on screen opens the door despite Bodhi’s warning, of course, and the killer is there. Cassian is only half paying attention, between the movie and texting away at his phone. It buzzes back and Bodhi has to wonder who Cassian is talking to since nobody ever comes over. He leans over and reads the name on the screen, _Jyn_ , blinking out in plain text. The name brings back the sense of loss Bodhi has been trying to ignore. He swallows hard and reads her words. They’re cut off at the start, just a brief response somewhere in the middle of a longer conversation. 

**[I understand, the offer still stands though.]**

__< i know, you don’t have to remind me.>_ _

**[I’m not trying to push, don’t know if that comes across well in text.]**  
  
_< i know, i'm fine, i swear. It’s still hard.>_  
   
**[Just take care of yourself.]**

_ <thanks> _

_ <that came off as dismissive but i mean it.> _

Bodhi isn’t sure what Cassian is trying to convince her, but he knows she’s stubborn so he doubts Cassian will win. Cassian types out another line, but never presses send.

**[It feels like your roommate is still here.]**

Bodhi can’t help but feel a thrill at the text, a buzz caught up in his chest even as Cassian deletes the words. He tries to keep the feeling in check, not needing something to short circuit and scare Cassian more. Maybe if Cassian can feel him then someday Bodhi can figure out how to communicate that he’s not really gone. Wishes he could, just to tell Jyn he’s okay. Cassian looks away from the phone and sighs, trying to refocus on the movie as the final girl runs through the woods screaming. Bodhi sits back and tries to think, overwhelmed with the first hope he’s felt in months.

\---

It’s been days and Bodhi has tried just speaking to Cassian too many times to count, blurting out whatever came to mind. Calling his name through the house. At best so far he’d looked up warily. At worst was when he left the house and didn’t return for hours. Bodhi knows something must be getting through, just isn’t sure how much.

“Your hair looks gorgeous, I don’t know why you think it needs gel,” Bodhi says, watching Cassian fuss in the mirror. He ups the ante, knocking the gel off the counter just after. Cassian startles and, while Bodhi always feels a little bad, he’s getting frustrated. He just wants Cassian to communicate back, even to tell him knock it off. He does the same all day, nothing too flagrant, but enough to annoy. Just moving things just out of reach when Cassian isn’t looking and shifting the kitchen chairs around enough to notice. Cassian seems out of it all day at the activity.

That night Bodhi goes to Cassian’s bedroom to try once more, wondering if perhaps he’d be more receptive with nothing to distract. He lies in bed beside Cassian and watches until he settles. He can’t help but feel a bit self conscious at the closeness, even as he reminds himself dumbly that it’s not like Cassian could care. He moves close as he dares to Cassian’s turned back and takes a deep breath.

“Cassian,” Bodhi speaks, trying to channel his energy into sound. Cassian’s shoulders tense visibly, but he doesn’t move. Bodhi leans in close to the man’s ear, trying not to lose hope. “Cassian,” he starts. “I’m here, I am,” he tries.

Cassian still doesn’t answer, but he pulls the blanket up just over his ears. Bodhi feels too close and too far all at once. He gets up off the bed and goes to just let Cassian sleep in peace, stilling in the doorway when he hears the words.

“Goodnight,” Cassian says, clearly, making something warm bloom in Bodhi’s chest.

“Goodnight,” he echoes back as Cassian shifts and shuts his eyes. Bodhi goes back to attic to wait for morning and the chance to try again.

\---

After that Cassian says good morning to the air most days for Bodhi’s benefit. Bodhi wishes he could cross the distance and be heard when he responds. Cassian still looks around the house with expectant eyes, carefully placing back the things that Bodhi moves. Sometimes even smiling, like he’s trying to take the whole being haunted in stride. Bodhi finds it so strange to think of it in those terms but accepts more surely what he is each day. It’s easier to bear now that Cassian seems less afraid. Kay has stopped barking at him entirely, instead just wagging his tail when he comes to the doorway. Bodhi’s glad that pushing the open jar of peanut butter onto the floor had been a good enough bribe. Cassian looks up at the source of the dog's sudden reaction still, more inquisitive than anything.

“Who’s there?” he asks Kay, who is helpless to answer with anything but a bark.

“Oh of course, bark is here, why didn’t I figure that out,” he mutters dryly to himself. Bodhi can’t help but laugh. Cassian sits at the table, petting the dog’s head when it comes to rest on his knee. He looks as though he’s mulling something over until he speaks again.

“Is it Bodhi?” Cassian asks softly, more to himself than the dog. Bodhi goes warm hearing Cassian say his name for the first time. Kay whines, annoyed that Cassian stopped petting him.

“Yes,” Bodhi calls out desperate suddenly, “It’s me, it is!” He bites his lip in frustration as Cassian goes back to filling out his crossword puzzle. Bodhi’s so close and before he can even think he’s moving to push Cassian’s pen across the page. The thin paper nearly tears at the force and a sharp blue line is left scrawled across. Cassian’s hand trembles and he drops the pen.

\---

Bodhi eases off after the incident, trying to give Cassian space. The man was clearly shaken by it, shutting himself in the bedroom after. Bodhi hadn’t felt right to follow and worried that perhaps Cassian spent that time looking online for a new place to rent. Or worse, looking for an exorcist. After a few days the careful looks Cassian casts about the kitchen start to fade. Things go back to normal even as Bodhi remains relatively dormant. Cassian invites friends over for the first time that Bodhi can remember. A few guys come over to play poker one week and Bodhi yearns to join in, knowing he could beat them all.

Bodhi keeps his distance at first, wary of other people and keeping to his space in the attic. Eventually he feels too bored being shut away though. He goes down to the kitchen to watch the game play out, making bets in his head on who will win each hand. He roots for Cassian as he tries to spot the man’s tells, noting how the corner of his mouth ticks nearly imperceptibly when he has a decent hand. Bodhi would have him made but the others don’t seem to catch on. Bodhi dares moving closer to peek over at the cards in Cassian’s hand out of curiousity, pleased that he’s in a good position to win if he can finish his straight flush.

“Raise,” Bodhi urges and Cassian echoes the words, pushing a few dollars into the pot. The round goes on and Cassian eventually comes out on top much to the other’s chagrin.

Cassian’s grin is the real prize as the others complain half heartedly at losing a few dollars. Bodhi feels bright like the happiness were his own. He wonders if that’s strange but chooses not to dissect the emotion. The game goes on, Cassian losing everything again by the end of the night but he doesn’t seem too broken up. He says goodbye to Melshi and Tonc, pushing them out the door to go with a laugh. Bodhi stays in the kitchen as he sees them off, sitting at the table and reaching out to splay out the cards unthinking. Cassian comes back into the kitchen and stills in the doorway with look fixed on how the cards have moved. Bodhi stills entirely with a curse because he’s not supposed to be scaring Cassian more.

Cassian comes over, places his hand on the cards almost reverently and his fingers brush right past Bodhi’s. The near miss of touch makes Bodhi feel far away.

“Jyn always said you were a card shark,” Cassian admits to the open air, “part of the reason she wouldn’t come tonight, I guess. Memories.”

“That and she’s terrible at poker,” Bodhi says like they’re having a real conversation. The unfairness that they can’t hits him suddenly, the regret he hasn’t let himself explore.

Cassian pauses like he’s waiting, straining to hear anything throughout the house. Bodhi knows he could cause a scene, knock the cards to the ground or shuffle them in mid air. He doesn’t want to be misconstrued, too careful now to dare. Cassian waits another beat and turns to the sink, rinsing out the beer bottles left behind and sliding them into recycling. Bodhi feels useless, trying to get himself back to the place where he thought he could be happy like this. Cassian goes to the doorway and stills with his hand hovering on the light switch.

“Goodnight Bodhi,” he says with kindness and a hint of something unreadable, like grief, though that doesn’t make sense. Cassian turns off the light and leaves him. Bodhi stays in the kitchen until he loses time again.

\---

It’s Halloween and Bodhi only knows because the house is suddenly decorated with cheesy cobwebs in the doorways and glowing orange lights. Cassian rushes around trying to get everything together for a party he’s apparently throwing and Bodhi wonders how he was roped into it. He doesn’t seem the type. Bodhi hadn’t been either, though Jyn still talked him into having them anyway;she loved having all their friends packed into the house. He misses her and wonders if she’ll be there tonight or just keep skirting the house forever. He tries not to dwell on it, unsure of which he’d prefer.

Cassian leaves and comes back with a keg from the local brewery painted with a jack o lantern on the side. He rolls it into the kitchen and Kay chases behind, thinking it’s a game. Bodhi can’t help but laugh as the dog jumps on Cassian playfully.

“Kay, please, there will be plenty of people for you to bother tonight,” Cassian says with a laugh, pushing the dog away gently.

“Come here boy,” Bodhi says, drawing the dog’s attention so Cassian can haul the keg up onto the counter. Kay shuffles around in front of where Bodhi is leaning in the doorway until Bodhi bends down to pet him.

“Thanks Bodhi,” Cassian says still distracted as he goes off in the other room with a million things to get ready. It makes Bodhi feel warm and he smiles down at Kay who gives him an unimpressed look.

“Shut up,” Bodhi says to the dog before pulling away to follow Cassian into the living room.

\---

Night falls and guests trickle in, bringing the house to life. Bodhi sits at the top of the stairs as they arrive, recognizing the guys from the poker game and a few more people Cassian must know from work.. The wave of strangeness Bodhi feels, seeing other people after spending so much time with only Cassian, is hard to ignore. Bodhi nearly calls out when he sees Leia Organa walk in with Han Solo of all people. Leia had been the RA on his and Jyn’s floor during college. That had been during Jyn’s ‘rogue phase’, so they had more than a few run ins with her that year. Han Solo had lived on the floor too, usually causing far more trouble. Bodhi remembers destroying Han at cards at quite a few parties that Leia shut down back then. Han has his arm looped over Leia’s shoulders, though they’d always fought like cats and dogs. Bodhi wonders how much the outside world has changed for them to wind up together. He half wants to follow them, but as more people arrive he starts to feel overwhelmed, tensing at each new person who isn’t Jyn.

He leaves his spot trying not to feel so anxious, figuring if he sees her he’ll just have to keep under control. Cassian looks happy at least, drinking beer and milling about his friends. Bodhi watches the man laugh brightly at something Leia says and tries not to wish he could join in. The majority of the costumes are all phoned in, ranging from costume tees to Cassian wandering around with a book in his usual comfy sweater.

“I’m a librarian,” Cassian explains to a girl named Aphra, who is dressed like a doctor.

“That’s what you are every day,” she complains. Cassian shrugs with a grin.

\---

Jyn shows last, of course, with a six pack of hard cider in hand as she hovers in the doorway. She hadn’t bothered to knock, just coming in from habit. She looks around the room and takes a deep breath Bodhi’s sure nobody else notices before the room lights up to greet her. She’s more reserved now in a way the others either don’t recognize or are too kind to mention. She joins the others on the couch where they’d been huddled around arguing over where to order pizza from. She sits beside Cassian and lets him draw her into a side hug while she rolls her eyes at whatever comment Han just made. Bodhi stands nearby, hesitating before he speaks, barely meaning to say the words at all.

“Jyn,” he says. She doesn’t react. He says louder, “Jyn, I’m here too.”

After all the build up of waiting, he somehow thought she’d have a better chance of hearing him but the spark of hope dies in his chest at her unfazed posture. They’d been kids when they met and had stuck by eachother through so much. Bodhi watches Jyn, after six months of unreal time, and wonders if she still worries about him now.

“You’re my best friend Jyn,” he says, feeling the familiar uncontrollable edge of emotion in his chest as the lights on the mantlepiece glow a bit brighter. Bodhi retreats to the kitchen, sinking down onto the floor beside Kay, who had gone to lay down begrudgingly when refused snacks from the table. Bodhi buries his hands in the dog’s fur and waits to feel in control again.

\---

Bodhi wades back into the living room tentatively and sits on the arm of the couch by Cassian. A few people have left and he feels a bit less anxious in the smaller group. Bodhi tries not to focus so intensely on Jyn but still ends up shooting her glances every few minutes. He notices how she drinks more than she used to, getting up to mix drinks every now and then. She seems to be having a good time though and he can’t begrudge her that. She comes back over just as one of the guys laughs drawing Bodhi’s attention.

”Is this spiritual appropriation? Knock over something for yes…” Melshi says in a mock spooky voice gesturing to his costume. He’s dressed as a ghost and Bodhi feels more amused than annoyed by the fact.

“You’re ridiculous,” Cassian says, shaking his head and taking a gulp of his beer.

“Says the man who’s convinced this place is haunted,” Melshi teases back as Cassian looks embarrassed. Jyn is trying to look disinterested but Bodhi sees the way her shoulders tense.

“Ghosts? Really Andor, you believe in all that hoodoo?” Han says and Leia shoves him.

“I believe too you know, my brother’s psychic. What makes you think it’s haunted?” Leia asks clearly intrigued. Bodhi wonders if she even knows this was Jyn and Bodhi’s place before Cassian had moved there. Cassian sighs and Bodhi wonders why he doesn’t want to get into it, if maybe he doubts that Bodhi’s real after all. The thought hurts more than it should.

“I just misplaced some things...it was nothing,” Cassian says deflecting.

“Well, if you want to try and contact the ‘nothing’, I brought this,” Melshi says, pulling out a Ouija board from a bag near the couch. Cassian looks startled, but he covers his hesitation with a laugh.

“Isn’t that a bit juvenile?” Cassian asks. Bodhi notices how Jyn has gone quiet, glancing over as she downs her drink.

“If you’re gonna be a stick in the mud I’m sure some of these guys want to,” Melshi says, looking around. Those who have actually been paying attention, not caught up in side conversations all seem intrigued to at least watch.

“As the age old adage goes, ‘I ain’t afraid of no ghosts,’’ Lando adds with a grin. Cassian still looks conflicted until Jyn speaks.

“I think we should,” Jyn says, meeting Cassian’s eyes as if daring him to deny her.

They set up the board on the floor beside the unlit fireplace so they can all reach more easily. Jyn settles beside Leia with Melshi and Lando on the other side. Cassian almost doesn’t join until Leia speaks seriously.

“C’mon. What if they’ve been trying to tell you something? This could be your chance to find out.”

Cassian sits and after all the talk Bodhi can’t help but feel nervous, wondering if the board will even work. He’s touched Cassian lightly, but never anything like this. Hands center on the planchette and he catches a final sigh from Cassian before the room grows quiet around them. There’s a momentary squabble over who will ask the first question but Leia wins out.

“If there are any spirits in this house we ask you here with kind intentions,” Leia starts, “if you’re here please let us know.”

Bodhi is still on the precipice of just leaving the room and ignoring them, feeling entirely put on the spot. He realizes communicating this way might do more harm than good but the open look on Cassian’s face after the words are spoken makes him want to try. He kneels on the carpet and places his hand over Cassian’s on the crowded planchette, shutting his eyes to focus.

There’s a gasp from the group at the pointed slide of the planchette to where it stills proclaiming _YES_.

Bodhi can’t focus on their reactions too much, too caught up in the use of energy and just listening to their next question.

“Have you been here a long time?” she asks next.

_NO_

“Can you see us?” Melshi butts in to Leia’s annoyance. Bodhi laughs.

_YES_

“Does Cassian sleep naked?” Han calls out jokingly from his spot on the couch and Leia shoots him a glare.

“He’s not even a part of this, you can ignore him,” she says to the air, but Bodhi is already answering.

_M A Y B E_

Cassian turns red. He’s mostly saying it to tease, but blushes himself remembering the few summer mornings Cassian had come into the bedroom without warning.

“That’s not funny,” Cassian mutters. Jyn smiles like she’s glad this might really just be a game.

“It is, but don’t we have any more important questions to waste this spirit’s time with?” Leia asks. No one interjects but Cassian’s face turns more serious.

“Do you remember who you were in life?” Cassian asks. Bodhi is half surprised he’d asked at all with Jyn there. Bodhi answers still, circling around _YES_ again _._ Cassian’s expression is unreadable and he almost continues only to be cut off by Jyn speaking hesitantly.

“Who were you?” she asks, with a strain to her voice Bodhi knows from her more vulnerable moments. Bodhi wonders if leaving now would be for the best but remembers Leia’s words _‘this could be your chance.’_

He slides the planchette down across the letters of his name.

B O D H I

Leia makes a sad sound and another person curses. Bodhi shuts them all out the moment his eyes flit to Jyn, immediately regretting the action at her distraught look.

“This is a sick joke,” Jyn says, pulling her hands off the planchette swiftly.

“I swear it isn’t,” Cassian says, voice tight. Everyone moves back from the board as Jyn just shakes her head and stands, hearing none of it.

“Oh yeah,” she says with a caustic laugh, “if this is Bodhi then what was the name of my first stuffed animal? My dad’s nickname for me?” she asks the room.

“Koodie, Stardust.” Bodhi answers out loud desperately, moving to her side like she might sense him and understand.

“What, you guys don’t know? Did you think I’d just believe it was him, that he was okay somehow and get over it?” Jyn asks with a caustic laugh. She’s on the brink of crying, refusing to out of stubborn will.

“No, Jyn,” Leia starts, standing to grab Jyn’s hand but she pulls away. The fact that Jyn is drunk amplifies her emotions and everyone seems shellshocked by the outburst. They don’t know her well enough to intercede though and Jyn storms past easily to the door. Cassian chases after her, Bodhi just as close behind before the others can even react.

“Fuck, I know you’re all worried about me but this is no way to make me feel closure. I never should have come back here in the first place,” she says when Cassian tries to block her exit. She pushes Cassian and skirts around him to go, slamming the door behind her. Cassian follows and Bodhi feels pain burst in his own chest. He feels guilty and scared and resentful that he can’t do anything to fix things. The build up overwhelms him and as he calls out fitfully after her the bulbs in the two tableside lamps burst into a shimmer of glass. A few people let out shocked concerned sounds. “Shit, this place really is haunted,” he hears Melshi say but he doesn’t care. He opens the front door,not caring how scared anyone is, knowing he needs to follow Jyn too. Cassian is blocking her from getting into her car, typing frantically into his phone.

“I’m getting you an Uber. Fuck, Jyn stop trying to push me away. You’re drunk.”

“Just let me go,” she snarls, “I can’t believe I was so stupid to think any of you really cared. Nobody has since he died, _nobody._ ” She’s crying now full stop and before Bodhi can think he’s crossed the distance to her side.

“Jyn, I’m here. I care, I still care, please don’t hurt yourself over me.” He babbles through the weakness he feels being away from the house. “Jyn, you’re my sister, I love you, Jyn. Please.” She finally loses whatever fight had her still trying to get past Cassian, heaving breaths and looking sick as she slides down beside the car onto the ground. She curls up and sobs into her folded arms. Cassian kneels and tries to comfort her, but she shrugs him off.

“Jyn, I swear this wasn’t a trick. I’ve felt him in the house for a while, I was going to tell you, but-” Cassian tries to explain, but she cuts him off with a watery glare.

“You’ve done enough, Cassian. I’ll wait for the ride, just go,” Jyn spits back. Cassian looks completely guilty and the car headlights approach almost on cue.

“Jyn, I’m sorry,” Cassian tries again, but she stands as if she heard nothing and brushes herself off, rubbing at her eyes though it’s useless. She climbs into the back of the car when it pulls up and asks the driver to just go. Bodhi calls out again, chases the car as long as he can until he blinks away to nothing.

\---

Bodhi wakes and almost thinks he’s made it away from the house. There’s so much light and it takes a moment for his eyes to focus for him to come to the sinking realization that he’s back in the attic, lying just beneath the window as the sun pours in. He stays there a moment with no will to move, thinking only of how Jyn had looked when he last saw her gazing out the car window hollowly.

He listens to the house and tries to gauge where Cassian is, startling when he hears the shift just off to the side of him. He turns on his side to see Cassian lying on the hardwood floor with the Ouija board close by. There are candles around him too and Bodhi wonders how late Cassian had been up trying to summon him. He watches Cassian and wishes he could wake him so he’d go get rest in his actual bed. Bodhi doesn’t move for hours, just waiting for him to wake up and inevitably leave.

Cassian’s eyes slide open and he groans at how he slept, stretching out and trying to fix a crick in his neck. He doesn’t get up just yet, fixing himself into a cross legged position in front of the board. Bodhi scoots close beside him waiting, trying not to feel anxious. The air feels heavy and Cassian takes a deep breath.

“One last time,” Cassian murmurs to himself before placing his hands on the planchette and shutting his eyes as he calls out.

“Bodhi, please, come back. I’m sorry about what happened,” Cassian says. Bodhi pushes his fingers to meet Cassian’s on the planchette with trembling hope. It feels more intimate, just the two of them, and Bodhi wishes it could have been this way the first time. He centers himself and shifts the planchette over the letters with little resistance.

_H E L L O_

He only watches Cassian’s awed smile for a moment before continuing.

_J Y N / O K ?_

Cassian lets out a soft sigh at the inquiry. “She is. She still won’t talk to any of us but Leia saw her, she’s fine.” He’s trying to sound reassuring but Bodhi can sense the guilt behind the words, knows how it feels in his own chest.

_G O O D_

_S O R R Y_

“What do you have to be sorry about?” Cassian asks. _Where do I start?_ Bodhi thinks, trying to find a phrase that’s a catch all for ‘watching you all the time, moving your shit, and generally not letting you just live alone in peace.’ After all that Cassian still seems rapt in just talking to him and Bodhi can’t imagine why. He settles on a simple fact.

_S C A R E D / Y O U_

Cassian reads the letters, putting the words together with a frown.

“You didn’t do it on purpose, I know that. The window breaking was the only time...but I’ve honestly been more worried that you hated me,” Cassian admits. Bodhi’s can’t figure out what he means, realizing suddenly that he can just ask.

_W H A T / W I N D O W ?_

“How much do you...are you here all the time?”

_YES_

“It was when I first moved in, it doesn’t matter, I swear.” Bodhi thinks back remembering the bandage on Cassian’s hand when they first met and feels sick. The window...he’d done that and he feels awful at the realization.

_I / H U R T / Y O U_

“It was just a small cut,” Cassian says looking worried, of all things, for Bodhi’s sake. Bodhi feels caught by Cassian’s sympathetic eyes even though he knows the man can’t see him. He writes back as frantic as he can with the delayed speed of the board. Cassian opens his mouth to speak but Bodhi isn’t finished.

_D O N T / D E S E R V E_

Cassian has to know that. He doesn’t deserve to have Bodhi haunt him. The same way Jyn hadn’t deserved Bodhi selfishly answering the board at the party.

“Who doesn’t deserve this...you? Or me?” Cassian asks.

_Y O U_

Bodhi thinks that it should be the most obvious thing in the world.

“Bodhi you aren’t a burden, you were a person...you _are_.”

Bodhi doesn’t know how to respond to that.

“I like you here Bodhi, just...feeling you around. These last few days I was so scared you were gone for good. I don’t know how much you actually care that I’m around but…” Bodhi wraps his mind around the fact that it’s been days not hours. He hates the gap of time and wonders where he was during it.

_I / C A R E_

“I wish I could really talk to you,” Cassian says with longing. Bodhi takes his hand away from the planchette at the words, feeling slighted even though he knows Cassian didn’t mean it that way. He wonders if talking alone with Cassian was a mistake, if it would only make things harder to bear. Cassian feels the loss at his fingertips and frowns.

“Don’t go, I’m sorry. I just, I know it must seem strange. I’m either going crazy or this is real and either way...I’m just really sad you died.” Cassian admits. Bodhi still can’t bring himself to answer, wrapped up in himself trying not to lose it.

He doesn’t know what else to say and couldn’t get it across this way even if he did. He wants to cry but his form won’t allow it, leaving him jilted even in his own sadness. He wants to take off but the only place to go is downstairs, where Cassian would surely follow. Cassian shivers and Bodhi realizes it’s his fault, that his dip in emotions is affecting the surroundings.

“Bodhi, I’m sorry if I upset you...I can’t...” Cassian starts but is cut off when the phone rings downstairs. Cassian looks torn as if waiting for Bodhi to say that he’s okay.

“I’ll go get that and let you be...I know you like being up here,” Cassian says standing and looking sheepish.

Bodhi doesn’t, doesn’t like being away from Cassian in general. But he lets Cassian go without a movement. He wonders if Cassian will come to his senses, never talk to him again like this but the man picks up the board carefully.

“I’ll bring this with me. If you come down later find me,” he says before he retreats sadly.

\---

Bodhi feels too unreal alone now after the taste of interaction. He goes down and can hear the television on low in the living room. He follows the sound and stands in the doorway watching Cassian flip through a book he doesn’t seem to be absorbing entirely until he hears the subtle shift in the floorboards Bodhi hadn’t meant to cause. He looks up looking more hopeful than Bodhi deserves. Bodhi comes close, kneels by the coffee table where the board sits. He slides the planchette towards Cassian in invitation and waits. Cassian smiles.

“Hello,” Cassian says soft, like he’s afraid of scaring Bodhi away, “I know the board works but...I was thinking, can we try something else?” Bodhi raises and eyebrow but points the planchette to yes. He trusts Cassian enough to try anything. Cassian goes to the bedroom and Bodhi follows.

“I was thinking all day and I wondered if you’d tried typing to me before?” Cassian says pulling out the laptop, sitting crisscross in the bed to set it in his lap. Bodhi hadn’t, though he’s given it a fleeting thought before, the fear of really scaring Cassian has held him back. Now with the invitation it seems like such a simple solution. He’s almost mad he hasn’t had the guts to try. Cassian opens up a word document and pauses in anticipation.

“You’ll have to sit near me to reach, I think. Jesus, I don’t even know how this works,” Cassian says, sounding nervous. Bodhi sits beside him on the bed and reaches across to the keyboard, hand hovering before he presses down in a sweep. It’s just a mash of keys to start and Cassian still looks entranced.

“A fitting hello,” Cassian says. Bodhi thinks and it’s hard to come up with what to say but he settles on something, wanting to keep to light bursts so he doesn’t sap his energy.

**hello**

**this feels easier than it should…**

“Don’t jinx it,” Cassian says, “I don’t know what to say just...how are you?” Bodhi is glad Cassian seems just as lost in this. It gives him the courage to answer.

**good, well, considering**

“It’s so strange to...be able to ask that.”

**i feel the same, still worried i’ll scare you**

“You don’t, I already promised you that,” Cassian says. Bodhi doesn’t know how to answer that earnestness and is glad when Cassian continues.

“Can you leave the house?”

**i can’t, kind of sucks**

“I’m a homebody but, I can’t imagine being...trapped,” Cassian says before realizing it’s probably depressing, “What do you do all day?”

**watch you mostly...**

“Bet that sucks too,” Cassian says and Bodhi laughs.

**sorry if that came off weird, you’re alright though**

Bodhi feels a moment of anxiety, not knowing if the humor will come across but Cassian’s mouth quirks into a smile.

“Thanks? I think.” Cassian’s voice is warm, like Bodhi could bask in it.

“Honestly though, is there anything I could do to make things...easier for you?” Cassian asks. Bodhi can only think to answer such compassion with humor.

**avenge my death**

“Not funny, I know you weren’t murdered...wait, you know that right?”

**yeah, don’t remember details but, car accident**

“Yeah, Jyn was out of class a long time after. Only showed for finals.” It hurts to think of her still so he skirts the subject.

**thought you did online classes**

“I wasn’t yet, got the job working circulation at Yavin Public Library and moved here. It made online the easier option. What did you go to school for anyway?”

**engineering and aviation**

“A pilot?”

**hoped to be**

Cassian looks deflated at the honest answer. Bodhi wonders if he’ll realize that’s all talking to Bodhi is going to be like and leave after all.

“You didn’t answer before,” Cassian says and Bodhi types back.

**get books that aren’t textbooks. watch less shitty movies.**

“I could probably make you your own Netflix profile,” Cassian says thoughtfully.

**whole new meaning to netflix and chill**

“Very funny. Is that why my room is so cold all the time?” Cassian asks. Bodhi feels embarrassed and groans before he types back.

**possibly**

“You weren’t kidding about watching me,” Cassian teases, like he knows. “I mean, I don’t mind though. It’s kind of...nice.” He says the last word like there’s more to it and if Bodhi were alive he’s sure his face would be red.

**i’ll try to keep my distance, wouldn’t want you freezing**

“Don’t,” Cassian says.

Bodhi stays.

\---

They talk a lot in the next few weeks as the weather grows colder, the sharp chill in the house no longer attributed only to Bodhi. It makes it harder for Cassian to tell Bodhi’s there immediately and he revels in sneaking up on the man with the ping of the instant messenger program they’ve started using. Cassian could be reading or working on papers and still he stops every time to answer Bodhi. Having someone who cares makes Bodhi feel more present, _wanted_ , and the feeling is addictive. When he knows Cassian really means it he stops shying away from talking, using up every ounce of energy just to be around the man, to laugh with him and type back jokes of his own. It's still hard when Cassian goes to work but it gives Bodhi something to look forward to, finally breaking out of the sameness he’s been drowning in.

\---

“What do you miss most about life?” Cassian asks. It’s getting late, but Cassian shows no sign of fading yet, talking back as Bodhi watches him. Where Bodhi once felt restless something settles in his chest at the sight. Bodhi lets the question hang in the air of the moment before deciding to answer honestly rather than deflect.

**Jyn, my cat, being warm**

“You really never feel warm?” Cassian asks, Bodhi shakes his head before he remembers to type.

**No**

“Could I change that, maybe if I turn the heat up a lot?”

**don’t think so, nothing really affects me...**

Bodhi can’t decide how honest he wants to be. Finding out what Cassian thinks weighs out over brushing past the truth.

“Nothing?” Cassian asks.

**this is going to come off weird**

**sometimes when I touch you accidentally I feel...not warm but something else**

**like electricity**

Cassian grins.

“I wonder if I could feel it too, now that I know,”

**…**

“I’m just saying, we could try it out. If it makes you feel better,”

**I’m not just gonna feel you up when I’m feeling depressed**

Cassian laughs. “Seriously though, I don’t mind.” Cassian offers so earnestly and Bodhi wants to say yes. Still he hesitates.

**I could be stealing your life essence for all you know**

Bodhi’s half joking, half terrified that he really could be. He doesn’t really know how any of this works, after all. Cassian chuckles, clearly unconcerned.

“I doubt it, but I swear I’ll head to the doctor if my soul feels stolen,”

**you’re not funny, but, If you’re sure**

“I am,” Cassian says pushing the laptop to the unused side of the bed leaving the space open between them. Cassian can still see when Bodhi answers and glances over before he asks a question.

“How do you want me?” He’s teasing and it drives Bodhi insane.

**stop serving porn, just sit there**

**hold your hand up with your palm facing me, or well, the tv behind me**

Cassian does as he’s asked, losing the joking glint in his eye. Bodhi raises his hand just short of touching before he pulls away to type again.

**close your eyes**

**okay?**

Cassian nods and shuts his eyes. Bodhi brings up his hand and presses it to Cassian’s open palm just barely until the other man gasps.

“I can feel you,” Cassian says. Warm emotion swoops in Bodhi’s stomach and he feels the buzz throughout his body as Cassian presses back into the touch lightly, nearly phasing through his palm at the edge. The reciprocal feeling between them feels old and new all at once and it’s intoxicating. Bodhi can’t help but give into his own selfish want for just a moment. He slides his hand down to wrap around Cassian’s wrist, leaning in to press a soft kiss against the man’s palm. Cassian shivers at the delicate touch like he knows and it’s almost too much.

“Bodhi,” Cassian says as a smile stretches across his lips. Bodhi kisses again, his wrist this time, feeling his pulse warm and grounding. He has to force himself to let go and pull away though all he craves is to be closer.

“Don’t go,” Cassian says at the loss of contact. Bodhi presses a hand to Cassian’s chest next, feels his thudding heartbeat and feels like everything has blurred at the edge between their bodies. Cassian raises a hand and covers where he feel’s Bodhi’s and it’s such a strange, new sensation that Bodhi laughs. He wishes he could tell Cassian without pulling away but also wants to believe Cassian understands somehow. He pushes closer, all but crawling into Cassian’s lap chasing the feeling.

“Can you kiss me?” Cassian asks suddenly, like he’d just barely been holding it back before. Bodhi breathes in deep and leans in close. Cassian’s eyelashes fan out against the blush rising on his cheeks as his lips part in want. Bodhi can’t stop himself from pressing in eagerly, surprised at Cassian’s answering sigh to the incorporeal touch of lips. They’re both shivering when Bodhi shuts his eyes too, letting the feedback loop overwhelm until he has to pull away. It was like a real kiss and entirely not. The blunt well of emotion in Bodhi’s chest heavier than anything he felt in life.

He feels transient after the effort, pulling back to just stare at Cassian, trying to gauge his reaction. Cassian opens his eyes and presses a hand to his lips, swiping through Bodhi’s arm in the motion. Bodhi pulls away entirely then to sit curled in on himself at the foot of the bed.

“Bodhi,” he says searching, and Bodhi goes to type to ease his worry.

**here still**

“Wow.”

**yeah**

Wow feels about right as he settles and Cassian smiles.

\---

Things are strange between them after the kiss, but not bad. It’s strange to flirt with someone when you already live with them. Stranger still when that person can’t even see you;a complaint or question Bodhi is already braced for when Cassian brings it up.

“I wish I could see you,” Cassian says, after he’s made Bodhi laugh over some stupid joke, writing ‘lol’ didn’t quite get across the grin that had spread on Bodhi’s face.

**you’re not missing much, promise. i’m kind of ridiculous looking, eyes too big for my face according to jyn.**

**at least this way i know you like me for my stunning wit...or you have a ghost kink**

Cassian looks disbelieving at the statement but huffs a laugh anyway.

“Ghost kink, is that a thing? No, you can’t sidetrack me...I meant that I wish I could see you _now_. I have seen pictures you know,” Cassian admits.

**oh no, who showed you? were you snooping in the attic...how? i’m literally always around**

“I actually saw them on facebook and I think you looked beautiful. Hold on, do you mean to say there are pictures of you in this house?” Bodhi tries to get past the buzz in his ears at the word beautiful being applied to him, and responds.

**no...**

“You said the attic, Bodhi, it’s not like I can mishear you,” Cassian says as Bodhi tries to muster up a good excuse.

**i forgot, they aren’t here anymore?**

Cassian won’t let him off that easy though, a wicked smile spreading on his face.

“You won’t mind if I go have a look then,” he says jumping up from the couch to head for the back attic stairs. Bodhi rushes after him but is too late to slam the door at the top, Cassian looks triumphant when he spots the containers in the back corner. He strides over and kneels on the floor as Bodhi sighs.

“Shit, I forgot the computer…you can yell at me after, okay?” Cassian says as he opens the top. There are a lot of old things inside Bodhi doesn’t even remember packing away. His textbooks from undergrad he hadn’t been able to sell back, an old walkman duct taped in repair, his high school diploma. All the small pieces of his life Jyn probably hadn’t even realized were there to collect.

“Oh Bodhi,” Cassian says soft and delighted, pulling out Bodhi’s senior photo from the folder with his diploma. That year Bodhi thought it would be smart to grow a soul patch, of all facial hair atrocities. Bodhi groans and wishes Cassian could know how torture he’s putting Bodhi through.

“It seemed cool at the time,” he complains to deaf ears.

“I still think you looked cute...if I just cover your chin,” Cassian teases, putting the photo aside finally. Cassian catches sight of the photo album next and opens it. The pages are full of pictures of him and Jyn over the years, some together and some clearly taken of each other mugging for the camera. Their ages range from when they were teens and goes as far as college in the vaguely chronological order Jyn had filled the book in before she gave it to him on his twenty first birthday. Bodhi can’t help but look close as Cassian flips through the pages thoughtfully, not making jokes anymore.

Jyn’s face frozen blowing out candles when she turned thirteen with Bodhi making a face by her side, her father grinning in the background. Bodhi at mini golf pulling a driving stance in front of an orange dinosaur. Bodhi and Jyn posed goofily on the front steps at junior prom, choosing to go with each other rather than be caught up in the drama. Bodhi and her at the airfield posing by a plane with a friend of her father’s, it had been a surprise just before Christmas. It was the day they’d gone up and Bodhi had realized flying was all he wanted to do in life. The unfairness of that unfulfilled dream still stings.

The one Cassian lingers on the longest is towards the end, Bodhi with his arm wrapped around Jyn on the couch in their dorm while they both grin. It was the first week of freshman year and Bodhi can half remember it being taken by some girl they’d grabbed in the hall with the promise of a slice of pizza for her trouble.

“I wish I had a friendship like this, you seem so close. You were really happy together,” Cassian says and it’s wistful but honest. The fact that Cassian is so kind and careful of how Bodhi must feel right now makes Bodhi appreciate him even more.

“Jyn was, she’s the best,” Bodhi says to himself, letting through a weak smile because, they were still happy memories in spite of it all. Cassian places the things back and seals them back in their rubbermaid tomb. Bodhi follows Cassian downstairs and waits for him to speak, not willing to type out what he’s feeling just yet, not quite able to articulate.

“I’m sorry if all that was too much, I just get carried away sometimes with how much I want to know you and forget how it might make you feel,” Cassian says. Bodhi takes a deep breathe and deep down he relates.

**you better pull up a terrible picture of you from myspace or something or i’m leaving**

Cassian laughs and Bodhi isn’t okay but he’s really trying to be.

\---

“Back to that ghost kink you mentioned, I just found an article and-”

**i don’t need to know**

“It’s actually interesting, historical even. Here let me see ‘7 Celebrities Who Have Had Sex With Ghosts’ says-”

**i’m leaving**

“It says a ghost climbed into bed with this lady, Anna Nicole Smith, haven’t heard of her but it seduced her and-”

**i’m not trying to seduce you, i swear to god cassian**

“Well, why not?” Cassian asks with a teasing smirk. Bodhi wants the floor to swallow him, half in resentment that he’s so...well, transparent he thinks unamused at the pun. It’s the final straw.

**goodbye**

“Are you doubting Lucy Liu?” Cassian calls out but Bodhi pretends not to hear, hiding in the kitchen until Cassian stops laughing long enough to beg for him to come back.

\---

After the accusation of the whole ‘spectrophilia’ debacle Bodhi is too shy to ask for another kiss, but still, each time he talks to Cassian he lets the accidental touches linger. When Cassian falls asleep they are facing each other and Bodhi wants so much something he knows he cannot have. Bodhi settles for reaching over to card his fingers through Cassian’s hands softly, reveling in the zing of feeling at his fingertips and hoping the cold won’t wake the man. Cassian shifts, unconsciously pressing into the touch. Bodhi kisses Cassian’s forehead and leaves the room, unable to bear the inability to pull Cassian closer. Bodhi curses Lucy Liu for lying about how easy it had been for the ghost to touch her because, yes, he’d read the account over Cassian’s shoulder begrudgingly.

Bodhi slips downstairs to the kitchen and looks out through the window over the sink. The early snow pools blue from moonlight over the lawn and the sight makes him feel wistful, like a hundred years have passed. He remembers falling asleep by the fireside on nights like these, the cat curled warm against his chest and Jyn at the other end of the sofa, the feeling like an endless winter was nothing to fear. He knows Cassian will go home to family over Thanksgiving in a few days, had heard him talking softly on the phone, and knows it’s unfair to wish he’d put it on hold and stay home. He can’t make Cassian live in loneliness for his sake, as much as he suspects the man would let him.

He creaks up the back stairs to the attic and lies on the windowseat, readying himself for the distance to come.

\---

Cassian tells Bodhi about the trip the next morning, looking half guilt ridden before the words are even out. Bodhi wants to be angry as Cassian explains how he’ll set up the computer so he can message any time, it won’t be like being alone again, not really. Bodhi knows Cassian means it, that he’d answer any stupid bored message Bodhi sent, but knows it won’t be the same.

**what about kay?**

“My cousin is allergic so I can’t bring him. Leia and Han are all set to come feed and walk him though,” His brow furrows, “I haven’t exactly told them I’m talking to you,” Cassian admits.

**well they’d probably think you were crazy so, understandable**

Cassian laughs but clearly still clearly feels bad.

**don’t worry i won’t pull any poltergeist activity while they’re in the house**

“Leia would probably appreciate that. She’s into the supernatural, but not as much as drunk Leia is...so, probably for the best. At least Kay will keep you company,” Cassian says. Bodhi tries to pretend that Cassian leaving doesn’t affect him so much. It’s easy enough over text and he’s grateful not to upset Cassian before his trip even though his heart sinks at the thought of being left alone for over a week.

He tries not to let the sinking feeling slide into panic the next day when Cassian finally climbs into the car. Bodhi watches from the front window as Cassian waves back at the house from the driver’s seat not caring that the neighbor shoots him a strange look, knowing Cassian lives alone. Kay whimpers from his place beside Bodhi and he looks down at the hound with a sympathetic smile.

“I know boy, we’ll be fine together though,” he says reaching down to pet him. Bodhi settles on the couch, the same place he’d watch Cassian eat cereal most mornings as he watched the news feeling more restless than he has in weeks. He wonders if he should go pace the attic or something despite how cliche it would feel. The hours go by slow and fast all at once, nothing but the drone of television and shift of light left for him to even know time is passing. He hears the scrape of a key turning in the lock and tenses, shutting the television off in a blink.

“Kay?” a voice calls out, sounding nothing like Han or Leia. Kay is less discerning and speeds from his spot where he was curled beside to the door to greet whoever it is. Bodhi follows, lingering in the hall just off from the door as the stranger stomps his boots clean of snow against the mat. The blonde crouches down to pet Kay and laughs as the dog noses at his shoulder.

“Hey boy, oh, your nose is freezing,” the man laughs. Bodhi still feels caught off guard but slightly less so as he watches the interaction and lets out a laugh of his own. The man’s head turns up and a strange look crosses his face.

“Hello?” the man says in question, “Leia wasn’t kidding about a spirit here I guess…” Bodhi nearly chokes.

“You can see me?” Bodhi asks, too loud and frantic to his own ears. The man stands up straight and blushes.

“Yes, you’re right here. I’m a little...sensitive. Psychic, you know,” he says it so casually Bodhi thinks he’s probably hallucinating the entire exchange. Maybe being alone in the house, even only for a few hours, was actually driving him mad.

“A little,” Bodhi balks, “I’ve been trying to communicate for months, until Cassian...who are you anyway?”

“Oh, sorry. So rude. I’m Luke, Leia’s brother. She and Han couldn’t make it over and well, they sent me. I’m kind of glad now though,” Luke smiles.

“You don’t even know me, I could be some vengeful spirit,” Bodhi says petulantly.

“Sensitive remember, I would be able to tell, your energy is very...attuned to the house, wow.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re happy here, I mean, considering. You lived here right, Bodhi?”

“Yes...not going to ask how you knew that,” Bodhi says rubbing at his arm anxiously, feeling a bit creeped out at what Luke could figure out just from speaking a few minutes.

“I’m not that kind of psychic, can’t get anything you don’t tell me. Leia mentioned your name though.” Kay is restless at the hope of going outside and nudges Luke’s leg, clearly over he and Bodhi’s conversation. Luke smiles bright again, fixing Bodhi with a kind look.

“Listen, I’m going to take this guy out but I’ll be back in. I’d love to talk if you’re up to it.” Bodhi nods dumbly, almost corrects the unseen action but remembers Luke _can see_. He almost offers to put on tea for when Luke returns but well, he can’t. He sits in the living room and braces himself for the oddness of talking, really talking to someone, and feeling a bit let down that the someone couldn’t be Jyn or Cassian.

Kay bounds in after around twenty minutes of adventuring outside with Luke and jumps on the couch immediately even as Bodhi scolds him for leaving wet paw prints across the floor. Luke goes to the kitchen and shakes the container of food drawing Kay away in a flash. Luke comes back into the living room to join Bodhi while the dog is distracted and sits in the arm chair diagonal from where Bodhi has tucked into himself, hand wrapped around one knee on the sofa. Bodhi feels self-conscious and makes an effort to shift and sit up more normally.

 

“You okay?” Luke asks and Bodhi nods. “I’m not here to freak you out, if you’d rather I go I can.”

“No, it’s just...don’t you feel weird, knowing I’m dead and seeing me anyway? Are you ever scared?”

“Not really, at first it was hard to get used to, I mean, I was just a kid but...it’s never been a bad thing. Even when the spirits are upset, they’re still people,” Luke says earnestly, like it’s the simplest gift in the world to have.

“That’s really nice,” Bodhi says, sensing just how sincere Luke is about all of this.

“I’m no saint, I shut some out still. But, I try to help when I can. Not to sound like a complete hippie but, you seem sad for someone with such bright energy. Do you spend a lot of time around Cassian usually?”

“Oh, yes. We talk a lot and he’s become a really good friend. Not what I expected when I found him in my kitchen but, I like him here.”

“You talk, he’s sensitive too?” Luke asks, sounding hopeful. Bodhi feels bad as he shakes his head.

“No, well, maybe a little he did realize I was here pretty early on...but, after the Ouija board thing we figured the computer was similar enough mechanics. I can type even if it takes a bit longer.” Bodhi says, kind of thrown by the surprised look on Luke’s face.

“Not going to lie, that’s pretty rare to be able to summon that amount of energy and sustain it for a conversation, that’s kind of wild,” Luke says.

“Oh good, tell Cassian and maybe he’ll stop using it to ask me where he put his keys,” Bodhi jokes. Luke snorts.

“Will do,” he answers, “speaking of telling people things, I mean, most spirits I meet want to get in touch with someone...not that Cassian wouldn’t help you I suppose but, is there anyone I can talk to for you?” Luke asks and Bodhi is glad he brought it up since he couldn’t exactly interject ‘please tell Jyn Erso she’s my best friend’ randomly.

“Do you know Jyn Erso?” he asks carefully, not wanting to get ahead of himself.

“Only by reputation,” Luke answers. Bodhi is half ready to go defensive when he realizes the way Luke said it sounded more awed than critical. Interesting.

“Well, we grew up together, went to college together, and eventually lived here actually. She was over on Halloween and I tried to talk to her then but the thing with the board was a disaster and I just really wish she knew I was actually here and that I’m okay.” Bodhi blurts it out probably too fast but Luke still looks sympathetic.

“I can’t promise she’ll listen to me but I can definitely try, I’m at least twice as trustworthy as a spirit board,” Luke says and Bodhi feels lighter already, just knowing there’s a slim hope Jyn might believe in him after all. Luke is the antithesis of her and yet Bodhi can’t imagine her being able to turn him away easily. His big blue eyes did him favors in that arena and he hopes Jyn will buy in as much as Bodhi has already in the brief conversation.

“That’s a start,” he says and tries to make himself relax and let it go. “Now, can we talk about something else _other_ than my afterlife drama? It has been a boring day.” Luke laughs like he’s surprised.

“Anything you have in mind?”

“Yeah. Now, be honest: . How on Earth did your sister end up with _Han Solo_ , of all people?”

“Hey, Han isn’t...all bad…” Luke starts, launching into the story of how Leia’s sensible law-abiding heart was captured by one of the wildest partiers Bodhi had ever known.

\---

Bodhi texts Cassian just after the whole interaction, still feeling completely shocked it had happened at all. Luke had left his number on the fridge, leaving only after they’d spent hours talking back and forth. Bodhi could tell he would have been friends with Luke if they’d met before, not in the same intense way as Cassian, but with a real connection still.

 **Boo-dhi** : I thought I told you to change my name on this thing

 **Cassian** : Yeah, but where’s the fun in that. How are you?

 **Boo-dhi** : Pretty good considering Leia’s brother just became my surprise psychic friend.

 **Cassian** : What?? I thought Leia was drunk and overstating honestly.

 **Boo-dhi** : Luke was here and he could see me, and we talked, a lot.

 **Cassian** : Is it bad that my first reaction was to feel jealous he saw you?

 **Boo-dhi** : No...but, this is kind of serious Cass. He’s going to talk to Jyn for me, or try, I guess.

 **Boo-dhi** : I wonder if she’ll trust him more.

 **Boo-dhi** : I hope she will, he’s kind.

 **Cassian** : I hope she will too, I still feel bad about what happened, it was stupid of me to let it when I knew you were around.

 **Boo-dhi** : You didn’t know entirely then, it’s fine.

Cassian: I believed though, even when we couldn’t talk.

 **Boo-dhi** : I know.

 **Boo-dhi** : Where are you anyway, I haven’t called you away from dinner have I?

 **Cassian:** No, hiding in the bathroom from my little cousins, they tried to braid my hair.

 **Boo-dhi** : I demand pictures.

It’s easy this way, almost like a long distance relationship. Cassian was right, he guesses. The contact lessens the ache in his chest and his world feels almost warm again. He gets lost in the details of Cassian’s family and pictures himself so easily wrapped up in it all without pain.

\---

Leia comes to take Kay out the next morning, hopping into the house to grab his lead and looking a bit nervous. She speaks and Bodhi startles wondering, _can everyone see me suddenly?_

“Hi...Bodhi. Luke said you’re here...if that’s not some psychic-spirit confidentiality he broke. It felt weird not saying hello at least. I’m gonna go.” She’s out of the house as quick as she came, off walking with Kay. Bodhi laughs and figures, well, at least he’s actually spooky to someone.

\---

Cassian texts Bodhi pictures every morning of himself, the house, his childhood bedroom. Bodhi feels like they’re a bit more even when he reveals his own senior portrait. Cassian’s beautiful hair was buzzed short in it and they clearly took the photo before he could pose, catching him off guard with an awkward look on his face.

 **Boo-dhi** : you look cute still, despite...is that a slipknot shirt?

Bodhi laughs as he types, and ends up having to delete the text three times before he can send it without any typos. Cassian’s only response is an emoji making a distressed face. Bodhi almost wants to ask if Leia has been in touch, but the desire to just talk to Cassian and relax wins out. He has to have faith that things will work out how they should. He manages few more teasing comments before Cassian’s family calls him away again.

\---

The first time Han comes over to take Kay out, he doesn’t say anything to Bodhi, looking around skeptically before grabbing the leash and closing the door firmly behind him. Bodhi wonders if Luke or Leia even told him, though he remembers that Han was there for the Halloween debacle. It isn’t until Han is leaving that Bodhi knows for sure, stopping at the edge of the driveway to wave before getting into his hunk of junk van . Bodhi is shocked it’s still running to be honest, but he’s more touched that Han bothered to acknowledge him at all. Maybe he has changed since college.

\---

 **Cassian** : one more night, i’ll be home

 **Boo-dhi** : i know, it’s okay. Me and Kay had fun, i think he’s getting good at let’s make a deal, he always barks when the prizes are going to be good.

 **Cassian** : stop teaching our dog statistical probability

 **Boo-dhi** : someone has to

 **Cassian** : No word from luke?

 **Boo-dhi** : he hasn’t been back, busy i guess. By this rate jyn won’t agree until xmas.

 **Cassian** : a real christmas miracle

 **Boo-dhi** : haha, you are staying home for christmas...right?

 **Cassian** : yeah, heard ghosts have a thing for it, charles dickens reference

 **Boo-dhi** : literature nerd

 **Cassian** : if it meant you’d appear to me i’d be the most miserly man in the world

 **Boo-dhi** : what about the other two ghosts

 **Cassian** : we’d be too busy to notice them

 **Boo-dhi** : we’re not sexting about charles dickens, go to sleep

 **Cassian** : fine, see you tomorrow ghost of my christmas future <3

Bodhi ignores the itch to complain that, even though he’s only seen the Muppet version, he knows that’s the scary one. He knows they’ll never stop talking if he does. His eyes linger on the heart and he smiles. He thinks of how Cassian had referred to Kay as ‘our dog’ and thinks it’s probably silly how glad it makes him feel. Bodhi feels less restless just waiting for Cassian. Knowing there’s so little time left, he curls up on the sofa and calls Kay over to jump up and watch Wheel of Fortune, wondering if he could teach the dog to spell before Cassian got home.

\---

Cassian comes back in the middle of a blizzard after Bodhi had watched the snow all day, scared out of his mind. The news said there were accidents all along the highway, drivers unprepared for the weather, and he’s felt on edge for hours. When he finally hears the door open it’s already dark out. Bodhi is there in an instant as Cassian shivers and slams it shut behind him, shaking off his boots and toeing them off. Kay rushes over and demands attention, making Cassian lean down and pet him. Bodhi wants to hug Cassian but doesn’t want to make him colder. He settles for knocking on wall nearby just once. Cassian smiles through his exhaustion from the long drive, looking up.

“I missed you too,” Cassian says, “I’m going to take a shower, but we’ll talk right after, yeah?”

Bodhi knocks again and watches Cassian climb the stairs to get warmed up. Bodhi is just glad he’s back, waiting in the bedroom for him to finish up. He feels kind of dumb that he’s surprised when Cassian comes into the room wearing only a towel. Cassian had already teased him once a few weeks ago asking if Bodhi had seen him naked. Bodhi glances away but not before his eyes trace from Cassian’s chest down to the edge of the towel. Bodhi swallows hard and looks down at his hands pointedly.

Cassian pulls on pajamas quick, not wanting to stay in the cold too long. He bounces down onto the bed and pulls the laptop over to rest on his stomach as he starts it up.

“Bodhi?” Cassian calls out, like he might not be in the room already. Bodhi scoots close and types.

**missed you a lot**

“Enough to watch me get dressed?” Cassian asks raising an eyebrow at the quick response. Bodhi covers his face in his hands only a moment before answering.

**i shut my eyes, your virtue is safe**

Cassian snorts.

“That’s too bad,” Cassian says with a smirk, “I’m sorry I was gone so long.”

**you’re here now, that’s what matters**

**at least luke visited**

He says the last part partially to make Cassian jealous and it works. Cassian makes a face.

“Still sad he can see you and I can’t,” Cassian admits letting his hand stretch on the mattress between them. Bodhi places his palm against it, running his fingers down to Cassian’s wrist in a soothing pattern. “Glad you met him though, that something good came out of me being away.” Bodhi draws his hand back, not wanting to get into how things will go with Jyn. He focuses on Cassian instead, how relaxed he seems after the time away.

**how is your family?**

Cassian smiles softly at the question.

“They’re crazy, but endearing.” Cassian tells Bodhi how his little cousins really hadn’t let him alone the entire time. His aunt had only laughed when he begged for help with the three small girls climbing on top of him, somehow expecting him to carry them all around at once. His father made them all watch embarrassing home videos until Cassian begged them to stop. He was stuffed with rice and empanadas on the actual holiday and had fallen asleep during the football game no one was really paying attention to.

“Dad always complains it’s not really football anyway,” Cassian explains.

**i wish i could have been there, for the home videos most of all**

“If you want I can run around the house in a Batman outfit and recreate them next Halloween,” Cassian answers. Bodhi dares to inch closer, resting his head against Cassian’s shoulder.

**i’ll hold you to that**

The lights flicker and Bodhi freezes because it definitely wasn’t from him.

“Bodhi?” Cassian asks sounding concerned.

**not me, must be the storm**

As if on cue the rest of the lights go out, leaving only the glow of the screen. Cassian groans.

“Perfect, I really don’t want to go mess with the breaker right now.” Bodhi gets up and looks out the window, the whole street is out.

**don’t bother, whole street is dark**

Bodhi glances at the power level on the computer and feels panicked that it’s only at six percent. He curses himself for not plugging it back in when Kay had knocked the charger out earlier.

“Shit, the battery.” Cassian says, coming to the same realization. They’d tried to use Cassian’s phone instead before but it never registered Bodhi’s touch.

**you should go get a fire going, don’t know how long this will last**

Cassian shakes his head.

“It’s warm enough, don’t want to leave the bed at all to be honest. Ugh, I am going to go get Kay though, be right back.” Cassian shuts the laptop probably hoping to conserve the battery a bit longer and goes. Bodhi tries not to panic, figures Cassian will fall asleep soon anyway so it’s not too much of a difference. Still, he wishes Cassian had kept the Ouija board instead of throwing it out. Cassian comes back soon, the click of Kay’s paws on the hardwood following him in. Kay pounces on the bed almost immediately by Bodhi’s side. Cassian has a camping lantern, a wool blanket, and a book in hand as he settles down. Cassian opens the laptop but the screen doesn’t come back on. Cassian presses at the keyboard but it’s no use, the machine is dead.

“I planned for this just in case, I’m sorry we can’t talk but...I can read to you? Knock once for yes.” Bodhi rolls his eyes but knocks in answer. Cassian smiles at the sound.

“Our conversation before and the fact that it’s finally December made me think, why not a Christmas classic?” Cassian says. Bodhi is laughing already, knowing what Cassian is doing before he even reads the title. Cassian flips open to the first page and Kay curls up at the foot of the bed happy to be allowed for once. Cassian clears his throat and starts.

“A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.” Bodhi would complain if he could but can’t help feeling charmed and less shutout than he had feared.

“Marley was dead to begin with. There was no doubt whatever about that…” Cassian carries on with the tale and it’s clear he’s read it a thousand times the way the words roll from his lips, his soft voice lulling Bodhi into calmness. Cassian yawns a ways in and promises to carry on another night before he tucks under the blankets and falls asleep. Bodhi watches him a while, how the pale moonlight and shift of snowfall play against his features and thinks he wouldn’t trade this for anything. Well almost anything, the regret of not being able to really sleep beside Cassian or to keep him warm on night like these, echoes in his mind. The power comes back in the middle of the night and only then does Bodhi let himself leave, knowing Cassian will be warm enough.

\---

The month passes in a blur of snow, hot cocoa, and the comfort of being together. Cassian finishes A Christmas Carol and starts another book on Bodhi’s request, this time letting him choose from the amassed library he had. Bodhi picks Treasure Island next, mostly because he likes picturing Cassian as a pirate, not that he’d admit it.

“This isn’t because you’ve only seen Muppet versions of classic literature, right?” Cassian asks.

**...of course not**

Cassian huffs a laugh and starts to read. It’s easy to settle against the pillows each night and let Cassian’s smooth voice and the tale of the sea wash over him.

When Luke finally calls it’s a week before Christmas. Bodhi is surprised it isn’t to say he’s given up. Somehow he’s convinced Jyn to come out to the house with him proving Bodhi’s joking prediction wasn’t entirely wrong. The day before she comes Bodhi apologizes to Cassian and shuts himself away, trying to think of what he can even say to Jyn.He feels bad that he's been happy with Cassian, as if admitting that might make Jyn feel worse. The morning comes and he goes downstairs, pacing the hallway until Cassian stands in the doorway.

“I’ll give you space if you need it but it’s going to be okay,” Bodhi’s brow furrows wondering how his anxiety had been so apparent. “The light was flickering so I figured I’d just get that out there.” Bodhi makes himself calm down, follows Cassian into the kitchen to sit at the table and watch him get together lunch. When the doorbell rings a bit later Bodhi follows close behind, lingering just off to the side. Luke shoots him a grin but doesn’t say anything, greeting Cassian instead.

“Hello Cassian, nice to finally meet you,” he says and Cassian nods, glancing over to where Leia is talking soft to Jyn, as if convincing her to stay.

“Likewise,” Cassian says. “Hey Leia, Jyn.” Leia smiles and Jyn looks up. Cassian moves into her space, telegraphing the movement before he pulls her into a hug. She huffs a laugh against his shoulder and hugs back in spite of herself.

“Hey,” Jyn says. All Bodhi can do is watch, even with Luke there and able to hear, keeping off to the side of the group as they make smalltalk and head to the kitchen to eat the chili Cassian made. Jyn seems to loosen up and Bodhi goes in the living room, almost not wanting Luke to say anything to her. Luke follows after him and sits beside him on the couch.

“Sorry I didn’t say anything before, Jyn is a bit standoffish. It took so long to get her here I didn’t want to scare her off yet,” Luke says.

“It’s fine, I mean, you’d tell me if I was just being selfish trying to talk to her, right?”

“It’s not, you just want her to know you’re okay and as hard as it might be I know she wants to believe that.” Bodhi nods, sighing.

“I just don’t want to make her feel worse.”

“I’ll really try to help avoid that,” Luke says.

“You’re too nice, I mean, I know you’re Leia’s brother but you don’t know me. It means a lot,” Bodhi says so he won’t forget later.

“I know enough,” Luke smiles. “I know how you look at Cassian,” he adds, steering the conversation and making Bodhi feel embarrassed.

“No comment,” Bodhi says looking down at his hands as Luke laughs.

“If you change your mind, I’ve never been possessed before but...if you guys wanted to try anything.”

“ _What?_ ” Bodhi chokes. Luke laughs even more at that. Leia comes to the doorway just then and Bodhi wonders how often she walks in on her brother laughing alone.

“Jyn said she wants to talk, admittedly to ‘get it over with’, should I bring her in?” Leia asks. Luke shoots Bodhi a look in question, checking if he’s ready before he answers. Bodhi swallows and nods.

“I’m ready if she is,” Luke says.

Cassian comes in first and Bodhi feels more at ease at the sight of him in spite of it all. He almost wants to make Luke say something, but then Jyn comes in and sits in the armchair before Bodhi can get the words out. She looks resigned to her fate and Bodhi wishes she were looking forward to it as much as he is beneath the waves of nervous energy. Cassian nearly sits on top of Bodhi and Luke snorts, sliding over to make more room. Leia raises her eyebrow and sits on the ottoman near Jyn. They all remain in stilted silence for a moment until Jyn speaks.

“Guys, I know I said all of this is okay, but today has been nice so far. Really, we don’t have to pretend.” Luke looks a little offended at the implication, but brushes it off quickly with his answer.

“I’m not trying to trick you. Bodhi is here, I swear. Just please stop denying him this chance to talk to you,” Luke says. He wonders how much Luke had to say to wear her down into coming in the first place. Jyn doesn’t look any more assured at the words but sighs with a nod.

“I can’t promise I’ll believe you but, I’ll listen.” She’s still so stubborn and while it’s frustrating Bodhi’s glad she hasn’t lost that will.

“Even that means a lot,” Cassian says, words Bodhi would have spoken himself if he could. Cassian shoots Luke a patient look that Bodhi is almost sure was meant for him.

“Bodhi,” Luke says in invitation. Bodhi nods, trying to settle on something to say to start.

Jyn sits there fidgeting with her rings, hair tied back in a half undone braid and Bodhi remembers the way he used to fix it for her. She looks like she wants to bolt already and Bodhi feels anxious at the thought.

“Yeah Luke, can you um, tell her I say hi and that I miss fixing her hair, that sounds...weird actually. Just tell her hello first.”

“I’ll try not to embarrass you too badly,” Luke says under his breath before he turns to Jyn. “Bodhi is really nervous but he wants you to know he’s here, he says hi.” Jyn grimaces.

“Hello, I guess, if you are here,” she says begrudgingly. Bodhi can feel the hurt emanating from her and feels like someone's set a weight on his chest. If he still had to breathe, he'd be struggling. Cassian puts his hand on the couch between them, an unobtrusive invitation. Bodhi lays his hand on top and feels a bit more grounded.

“He is here, he’s fidgeting beside me as we speak.” Jyn doesn’t look any more convinced, but she at least glances to the space Bodhi occupies. Bodhi can tell she still doesn’t want to be there, even if she doesn’t think they’re trying to trick her she can’t quite let down her walls yet. He thinks back to the questions she’d blurted out drunk, the ones she seemed so certain only Bodhi would know. He has to have hope that maybe she would have known it was him then if she could only hear.

“Tell her that I know her stuffed animal was Koodie and her dad called her Stardust.” Bodhi says, hoping she’ll let go of her anger and try to believe him. Luke echoes his words and Jyn’s entire body stiffens. She seems more anxious now than she did before and Bodhi wonders if he’s made another mistake.

“Why are you still here...why aren’t you with me?” she asks. The words are accusing and entirely heartbroken, like she thinks Bodhi chose not to be with her. It hurts Bodhi a lot that she doesn’t realize how important she’d always been.

“I wish I knew, I just,” he pauses trying to get the words together right, “At first I wanted to move on but I needed to know you would be okay.” Bodhi says and Luke reiterates to Jyn. Her face crumples and Bodhi wishes that he could touch because all he wants to do is wrap Jyn in his arms.

“I never wanted to leave you and I’m just so sorry.” For all that Bodhi knows he had no choice it still feels like he's let her down.

“I miss you,” Jyn admits, somehow less volatile. “I’m sorry for moving out, if I had known you were stuck here I never…” she cuts off, her voice choked like she's holding back tears.

“I know how hard it would have been to stay, I don’t blame you, honest, it might have been for the best,” Bodhi shoots a look to Cassian after Luke repeats the message, catching the hint of emotion in his eyes

“I really wish I knew how any of this was supposed to work. There’s no instructions, this is worse than when we tried to put together that shelf from Ikea.” Bodhi admits, trying to bring levity to the darkness of the conversation. Luke huffs a laugh and tells Jyn. Jyn smiles through the tears. Leia looks over warmly now too.

“It really is you,” she says with a laugh like sunshine breaking through a stormfront. The tension she’d carried since she came in seems to ebb away as she looks more awed than anything. Bodhi feels himself smiling back as the fear that she’d never understand finally abates.

“He’s smiling like a goof,” Luke says, “it’s really cute actually.” Bodhi catches the side eye Cassian shoots at the comment and laughs.

“Why are you laughing now?” Luke asks, now feeling more secure talking direct to Bodhi with all the emotional baggage unloaded.

“Don’t flirt with me in front of him, you’re a menace,” Bodhi warns feeling lighthearted.

“He calls that flirting?” Luke asks and Cassian looks more distraught.

“Who does?” Jyn asks and Luke looks thrilled to tell her as Bodhi squirms. Bodhi knows he can’t stop Luke from blurting out whatever version of the romance he’s built up, to Jyn and Leia’s rapt attention. Bodhi shifts and focuses on Cassian instead, loving the way the blush runs all the way down his neck as Luke goes on about how death brought he and Cassian together like they’re in some gothic romance.

“It’s really impressive, did you know Bodhi can type? He could have been instant messaging you for months, might not have gone over as well as this though clearly. Kind of glad you were stubborn enough to keep me in a job.” Luke says and Bodhi rolls his eyes. Cassian listens and looks less annoyed, more like he wants to say something. Bodhi clears his throat and Luke cuts off whatever he’d been saying politely to listen.

“Can I have you say something to Cassian for me?” Bodhi asks, feeling excited and vulnerable at once. Luke might joke but he knows to take the request serious.

“Bodhi wants to talk to Cassian,” Luke says to the others who are listening in expectantly. Jyn lets out a ‘oooh’ and Leia smirks over at Cassian who has now turned impossibly more red.

“I want that too,” Cassian admits, trusting Luke despite his jealousy.

“Should we leave?” Jyn asks gesturing between her and Leia. Bodhi almost says yes but doesn’t want her to go just yet. Still, he’s fixated on Cassian now, needing to get the words out while they buzz in his chest.

“No, tell them to stay,” Luke says. “Cassian, he’s looking at you and it’s just really sweet.”

“I know we talk a lot already, but somehow this feels a bit more real, right?” Bodhi pauses as Luke catches up before he continues, “Cassian, you’re the best thing about dying and well, I love you.” The words set something unraveling in his chest, leaving him unprepared for Cassian’s smile. Bodhi leans in and presses a quick kiss to Cassian’s brow, wanting nothing more that to hold him close. He catches the sight of Jyn wiping away a tear again but this time she looks so happy for him he nearly floats.

“I love you too, Bodhi,” he looks down and sighs, “there’s a lot I want to say to you but, when we’re alone?” Cassian seems embarrassed to ask, knowing how the others will take it but Bodhi feels nothing but that same endless draw. He nods to Luke with a giddy smile of his own.

“He nodded and I’m glad, you are both entirely too overdramatic.” Even as he says it Bodhi can tell the confession moved the psychic. Luke wishes them nothing but happiness and it’s so clear Bodhi can almost picture a future.

Conversation becomes easier between them after that, Jyn opening up to reminisce a bit and Bodhi shooting back with his own embarrassing stories. Cassian bringing the photo album down from the attic for Jyn to see despite Bodhi’s half hearted complaints. Bodhi feels lighter through the night, disconnected and yet entirely aware. Luke looks over strangely a few times but only smiles reassuringly when Bodhi asks. Feeling more unfocused as time goes on he starts to fear fading out, probably from the exertion of so much emotion.

“I think I actually feel tired for once,” he admits to Luke who nods in understanding.

“It’s normal to feel drained, maybe it’s time to say your goodnights and rest.”

Bodhi does take Luke and Jyn aside this time while Jyn gets her coat on at the door. She laces her boots and looks up. She twists her hands in the fabric of her sleeves and speaks first.

“I don’t know if I can talk to you like this again,” she admits, and the words loosen something more in Bodhi’s chest.

“I know,” Bodhi has Luke answer, “just don’t be a stranger to Cassian because of me.”

She nods understanding.

“I’ll try not to be a stranger,” she says. It’s not a promise he’d fault her for breaking and still he’s glad to realize she means it. With the darkness lifted from her features she looks younger and it’s all Bodhi can hope that her life will be calm someday.

“Can I hug you?” Bodhi has Luke ask, as a parting request. She nods and Bodhi envelopes her in his arms and wonders if it feels more real because it’s the last one. He isn’t sure if it’s him or Jyn shaking when he pulls away and lets her go.

“I felt that, your hugs used to be better though.”

“I know, I’ve been practicing though.” He says and looks down the hall to where he can just see Cassian in the kitchen doorway.

He watches her walk down the porch and get into her car and stays until she’s gone in the long stretch of freshly plowed road. Luke gets his jacket and calls out to Leia that it’s a good time for them to go too.

\---

When it’s finally just he and Cassian tucked away in the bedroom Bodhi lets out a deep sigh in relief. Cassian opens the laptop like he does every night and Bodhi draws close.

“Come here, lay down with me,” Cassian says. Bodhi obliges, glad to be alone after so much interaction. His energy still feels off but he leans his head against Cassian’s shoulder and it gets easier to focus, on the warmth, the strains of his heartbeat and his easy affection.

“I know I wanted to say more but everything feels cliche,” Cassian starts. He shuts his eyes as if trying to picture Bodhi in his mind for just a moment. “I love you, I wish I could see you and be with you but, if this is all we get I’d still never give it up.”

Bodhi slides a hand onto the keyboard, typing carefully one handed.

**me either, if you could see the smile on my face right now you’d know**

“I wish I could kiss that smile from your lips,” Cassian says softly. Bodhi feels so heavy at the words, like he’s an inch away from waking from a dream.

**i would let you**

“Please,” Bodhi says, just an exhale and he’s pushing the laptop away.

Bodhi moves slow and straddles him, hears the intake of breath Cassian makes that means he feels him there. Bodhi takes in how beautiful Cassian looks from the angle, memorizing though he’s not sure why everything feels so final.

“I love you,” Bodhi whispers before leaning in to seal the words with a kiss. Cassian arches up into the electric feel and Bodhi can hardly bear it. They eventually pull apart and Bodhi just lies on top of Cassian, feeling the shivery rise and fall of his breathing almost like it was his own.

Bodhi falls asleep with Cassian warm beneath him and doesn’t think to question how.

\---

Bodhi wakes up and the house is too bright, he glances over at the clock, the number blinking 3 AM and questions if the power went out again until he sees Cassian still asleep and tucked close. He gets out of bed and feels like he’s tracing an invisible path. The rest of the house is just as washed out and Bodhi has to blink to get his bearings as he stares down at the kitchen table feeling lost. Something still beckons him towards the front door and he suddenly realizes that maybe this is _it_. The inevitable something beyond the house that calls his name feels so strong and yet he thinks of Cassian and grasps for any way to let him know.

He catches sight of the notebook on the kitchen table and hopes the words will be legible as he tries to get them out. He's been practicing, since that night the power went out. It was meant to be a backup for their electronic conversations, but with how untethered he feels, Bodhi wonders if he knew this day would come. Leaving a note seems more tangible than anything he could write on the computer, and more than anything he wants Cassian to know that what they had was real.

_Cassian,_

_I think I have to go. I meant what I said last night, I love you. I don’t know where I’m going but I think of you and I’m not scared. I’ll miss you._

_Bodhi_

The writing looks like chicken scratch but Bodhi hopes Cassian will understand. He takes a deep breath and it feels different than before. Bodhi walks down the hall and the door opens, inviting him out into the light.

\---

Cassian stands next to the grave and shuffles his feet, wondering if Luke’s pointed advice had really been the best to take. It shouldn’t feel so strange to talk when no one is there, but he’s gotten out of the habit in the last few months and has no clue what to say. He lays the bouquet of roses he got beside the stone and traces the letters of Bodhi’s name.

“I miss you so much.”

There's the sound of someone clearing their throat, then a man's voice says, "Are those for me?"

Cassian feels like his heart has stopped in his chest. He must have sounded like an idiot, talking to himself, though he supposes that it's not so unusual given the location. He can't help but think that it's a little rude to sneak up on someone who is clearly grieving and he turns around to give the intruder a piece of his mind.

It takes a second for recognition to dawn. Bodhi looks older than in his most recent photos, and even though Cassian keeps one tucked into his wallet, he only allows himself to look at it every once in awhile. Everytime he does, it hurts a little less. He’s memorized Bodhi’s features enough that the man before him is unmistakeable.

“How are you here?” Cassian asks, feeling like the wind has been knocked out of him. Bodhi looks just as shocked at the response.

“You can see me?” Cassian nods, still looking Bodhi over in disbelief. He reaches out to touch and Bodhi’s hand grasps his, feeling cold but _real_.

“I think I might be losing my mind.”

“They never said you’d be able to see me,” Bodhi looks overwhelmed but thrilled. Cassian feels like crying, but he chuckles.

“Still no instruction manual upstairs, huh. Hope you didn’t have to make any shady deals to come see me.”

“I don’t think so, but the paperwork was pretty long…” Bodhi says with a smirk.

“Please don’t tell me there’s bureaucracy in heaven.”

“I was joking, I’m not allowed to reveal many details though,” Bodhi says, smiling at Cassian so bright that his own chest aches. Cassian brings up a hand to cup Bodhi’s face in his palm. Bodhi leans into the touch and steps forward, closing the space between them to press forward and finally kiss him. Cassian slides his hand down to Bodhi’s neck to hold him there and kisses back, all the yearning he’d felt for months compressed into the way they melt together. Bodhi’s arms wrap around his waist and hold him close even after they break apart from the kiss. Bodhi grins like it’s a novelty just to be breathless.

“A lot easier when I can see your lips,” Cassian says. Bodhi chuckles, leaning forward to press his face into Cassian’s shoulder like he can’t get close enough. Cassian clutches back at him, feeling like if he lets go Bodhi might disappear again.

“This isn’t forever,” Bodhi whispers like a confession. Cassian’s hands tighten against Bodhi’s back.

“How long?” Cassian asks, though he knows no answer could be long enough. Bodhi pulls back to meet Cassian’s eyes with warmth and regret in equal measure.

“Just tonight, we’ll have to make the best of it.” Cassian nods. It’s already twilight and the thought of counting down the hours hurts so he pushes the thought from his mind, focusing only on the present.

“We can do anything you want, everything.” Cassian promises, he leans forth and presses a kiss to Bodhi’s temple just because he can.

“Is it strange that I just want to go back to the house?” Bodhi asks, looking suddenly shy.

“Wouldn’t want people to see you making out with the air, after all, if other people can’t see me...” Bodhi adds with levity and Cassian grins.

“I wouldn’t mind looking crazy for you, but home sounds good.” They finally break apart and Cassian links his hand with Bodhi’s for the walk back to the car.

\---

Cassian opens the door to the house and Kay bounds towards them, jumping on Bodhi and nearly toppling him.

“Kay, oh boy, I know this must be weird for you too,” Bodhi crouches down and pets the dog, scritching at the space behind his ears. Cassian laughs at how contented the dog seems to have Bodhi back. Bodhi looks just as happy, giggling as Kay licks his face.

“Kay, don’t slobber all over him,” Cassian chides, but Bodhi looks up with a smile.

“That’s your job, right?” Bodhi teases and Cassian rolls his eyes, hoping Bodhi can’t tell he is blushing from such a stupid line. Bodhi leans away from the dog and holds out a hand, letting Cassian pull him up until their bodies are flush together. Bodhi presses a kiss to Cassian’s cheek. Without their attention, Kay loses interest quickly, wandering off into the other room.

“So, what do you want to do?” Cassian asks, willing to follow Bodhi’s lead. During the ride home Bodhi had made a few requests; driving by the ocean as the sun set, seeing the library where Cassian worked. Just seeing Bodhi out in the world made his own wants feel selfish in comparison. Bodhi doesn’t seem to think so though, grabbing Cassian’s hand and pulling him into the living room. Cassian follows, pulse buzzing when Bodhi sits and pulls Cassian down with him. Cassian reaches out to tangle his fingers with Bodhi’s and their eyes meet. Bodhi leans in to whisper in Cassian’s ear and he goes tense in anticipation.

“Let’s watch a movie,” Bodhi says in a husky voice and Cassian wants to scream, huffing out a sigh and pushing Bodhi away playfully as he laughs.

“You’re the worst,” Cassian says but Bodhi doesn’t let him pull away entirely.

“Bet you miss when I couldn’t talk, couldn’t tease you as much,” Bodhi laughs.

“Never,” Cassian says, all too honest for the moment, before deciding he’s had enough, pushing in to kiss the laughter from Bodhi’s lips. “I could listen to you forever, even if you are a tease.”

Bodhi pushes him down into the cushions and straddles him, shifting the power balance.

“Make me talk then,” Bodhi says. Cassian leans tangles a hand and pulls Bodhi down into another kiss, happy to oblige.

\---

They kiss until Cassian’s jaw aches, sliding his hand beneath Bodhi’s shirt and shivering at the chill of his skin. Bodhi pulls away self consciously.

“Sorry, I’m still so cold, fuck. Wish they could have fixed that too,” Bodhi breathes. Cassian reaches up to pull him back in and he comes easily, letting Cassian kiss him again and sighing.

“I have an idea,” Cassian says. He pushes Bodhi away gently and goes over to the fireplace. He stuffs the logs set in there with kindling and feels around the mantlepiece until he finds the box of matches. Cassian gets the fire going, stoking it until the room is filled with the glow of flames. He looks over and Bodhi is laying on his side on the couch just watching him with a look of fondness on his face.

“I love this idea,” Bodhi says, “I think I can actually feel it a bit.” Cassian grins.

“We can do better than that, I’ll be right back.” Cassian ducks upstairs and comes back with his comforter and pillows, pushing the coffee table out of the way to lay them out. He beckons Bodhi over with the tilt of his head and the man comes easily for them both to lie down. Bodhi positions himself closest to the fire, curling like a cat in a sunbeam toward the radiating warmth there.

“Much better,” Bodhi says, Cassian wraps an arm over Bodhi’s waist, pulling him close so they’re spooning. He kisses the back of Bodhi’s neck and it’s the other man’s turn to shiver.

“I know you probably wanted to do something more exciting than this,” Bodhi murmurs, tracing Cassian’s hand with his own where it rests across his stomach.

“Like I said before, anything. Just you being here is enough.” Cassian says. It sounds like a line but there’s no other way to get across the devotion and gratitude he feels that he can see Bodhi at all. Cassian feels so much that he can’t even brace himself for what will come when Bodhi has to leave again. He buries his face in Bodhi’s shoulder instead, breathing deeply.

“I wish you could read to me right now, but I also don’t want you to get up,” Bodhi murmurs. Cassian huffs a laugh against his neck.

“I have a few poems memorized if you’re not too picky,” Cassian replies, cycling through the options in his head. Bodhi makes a pleased sound.

“Anything, I only know Edgar Allan Poe and Shel Silverstein in all honesty.” Cassian groans.

“Such a waste, I should have been reading you Byron. You’ll have to settle for Keats now.” Cassian starts with _La Belle Dame Sans Merci_ , remembering it to his best ability from years before in undergrad. “Oh what can ail thee, knight-at-arms, alone and palely loitering…”

Bodhi presses back and Cassian lets his voice drop to a whisper, not wanting to break the moment. His voice catches on the words _“ah, woe-betide”_ , relating to the feeling too much.

He finishes and Bodhi turns in his arms, bringing a hand up to rest at Cassian’s neck. Cassian takes the hint and dips his head in offering until their lips meet. Bodhi’s tongue traces the seam of his lips and he lets it in, wishing they could stay like this forever. Bodhi only pulls apart when Cassian can’t breathe, sighing and tucking his head against Cassian’s chest. They’re both quiet for a moment until Bodhi speaks.

“Am I the belle dame?” Bodhi asks, tone weighted with emotion.

“What?” Cassian murmurs, swallowing hard, knowing time is passing all too quickly.

“In the poem, she makes him love her and then she leaves him. Is this - does seeing me hurt you like that?” Bodhi’s voice sounds rough.

“Bodhi no, of course not, I love you.” Bodhi sniffles despite the assurance and Cassian feels a cold tear fall against his neck. He pulls back, lifting Bodhi’s chin with his hand to meet his teary gaze.

“I love you, too. I didn’t even know I could cry, I’m sorry.” Cassian is barely holding it together, rubbing a tear from Bodhi’s cheek with a swipe of his thumb. He plants a soft kiss on Bodhi’s brow and feels the man take a shuddery breath, like he’s trying just as hard.

“Let me tell you a happier one,” he tries, “well, as happy as Keats gets.” He tries to think through the emotion and can’t even manage to get out the first line of _Bright Star_ before Bodhi cuts him off.

“I just want to hear you,” Bodhi says, soft and pleading.

“I’m not as good of a poet,” Cassian tries to joke, but it falls flat, both knowing time is drawing to a close. Cassian takes a steadying breath and speaks as best he can.

“I want you to know that even when you aren’t around I think of you. The first couple of weeks I would just turn to say something constantly before I remembered. I know this is so unfair of me to say, but I’m pretty sure you’re the love of my life.” Bodhi is crying again and Cassian tears up too. He feels bad but still knows he couldn’t lie.

“It isn’t fair,” Bodhi chokes out, “you’re the love of mine too.”

Cassian can’t say anything else, just leans in to capture Bodhi’s lips, not wanting tears to be the last thing he remembers. Cassian wishes there had been something as dramatic as a bell tolling or an alarm sounding. Instead Bodhi is there one moment, just under Cassian’s hands, and then in a sudden wash of light he’s gone.

 

**_EPILOGUE:_**

Cassian opens his eyes. He doesn't remember how he got here, but something feels familiar. It feels like a house he used to rent a long time ago, back when he was in grad school. That makes him think of Bodhi, and maybe it's just his aging mind playing tricks on him, but when he walks into the living room, there's someone with dark hair sleeping on the couch. It should make his heart ache, but all he feels is warmth. He settles down into the chair set to one side of the couch, picking up the book folded over the arm. He hasn't read this one in years, too many memories caught in it pages. The man on the couch rolls over and Cassian smiles.

"Hello again."

**Author's Note:**

> [7 Celebrities Who've Had Sex With A Ghost (Or At Least Cuddled With One), In Honor Of Halloween](https://www.bustle.com/articles/46546-7-celebrities-whove-had-sex-with-a-ghost-or-at-least-cuddled-with-one-in-honor)


End file.
